"When need me but do not want me, I will be there. When you want me but do not need me, then I must go" - Nanny McPhee

Thats like life.

Funny how little things can bother someone to a point where you feel a physical tug at your heart. 
Agreements are agreements. But when does an agreement become void? How would you know when an agreement becomes void? Does someone have to violate it? But that would mean that the terms of the agreement were violated and therefore the agreement was terminated. An agreement can be terminated if the other person voluntarily bow out of it half way citing certain difficulties, or the inability to follow through with the terms.
So the agreement then only becomes void from the death of another. Or if the other party has found a sense of stability and security and bows out, fulfilling the terms of the agreement. That makes no sense to me. How does it become void? Null? Non-existent? Especially when it's so hard to declare it null because of the pull between the parties? It makes no sense at all.
If the other party is showing external interest, which is allowed in the terms of the agreement, the partner should openly agree and take a step back or indulge in their external interest as well. But how is it that when the other party gets a bite, the other one would be bothered? Competition? The undying need to win? 

So complicated. 

Hi.

My name is Nell.

Middle name is Goat.

I play a scapegoat on the side.

I'm a student by day, scapegoat by night. 

I'm reliable.

I'm soft-hearted.

There is a Dragon Boat event tomorrow, and I signed up for it about 3 weeks ago. I was excited about it, but now I am feeling very apprehensive because of the bad memories that are coming back to me. I was in this sport over 5 years ago when I was in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. It was fun on most parts because of the rowing and the running, but I did not enjoy the socializing because I was left out a lot and I never understood why. It was torture for a good 2 years, I only stayed on because of a select few seniors who kept looking out for me. Other than that, my only motivation was to row. Now that I have this opportunity again, I am afraid that history would repeat itself. Do I go? Do I stay home and wonder what it would have been like to row again? I'm just torn. Is this my test? 

Losing my mind. 

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MeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMe
MeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMe
MeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMe

It's all about Me, bitches.

<3

Friday was spent sleeping from medication.
Saturday was spent resting.
Saturday night is being utilized to study for a test on Monday.
Sunday will be spent catching up on school material and working on presentation slides, and lots of research.
Being sick through out this entire weekend is a challenge.

The past week has seen me go through something very new and yet very familiar to me and that is having short bursts of panic attacks. I can't confirm that they are panic attacks, but I sure as hell feel the physical symptoms because I have seen someone go through it before. I have never had them till last week and they are scary. I find myself having difficulty breathing, my mind is racing and yet its numb at the same time. I feel my face going cold, and my hands glued to the sides of my body. I feel my eyes tearing up and my mouth going dry. It feels like someone has taken my heart and squeezed it tight turning it blue. I have an unending need to sob till I am exhausted and pass out.

However, I have some consciousness about me. A little voice in my head tells me to calm down, and breathe. It then instructs me to do things that calm me down, and provide structure among all the chaos. It tells me to rearrange my table, pack my bag for school, make my bed, and grab a mug of water. It will then tell me to sit down, close my eyes and breathe and it helps. While in the process of calming down, I will pick up my phone and text a close friend telling them of what I am going through. Their replies help distract me from the overwhelming sense of dread, panic, and self-loathing. They tell me to calm down, maybe even lie down to relax. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I walk around my room in circles, afraid to leave it. I don't want my family seeing me in such a state. Who knew stress could take such a physical and psychological toll on you?

I have seen it happen, but I thought that was because it was an unending wave of regret, and depression. Oh how stupid do I feel now, knowing that its a culmination of every single thing that has happened in your past, present and an onset worry for the future. And also because of the wave of disappointment that could potential await at the end of the road. Only three people know of my panic attacks, and I wonder if their perception of me has changed. They know me as a strong, independent, and emotionally sound individual. Has that changed? Has that altered their view on my strength? Will I be considered weak and fragile now? Worst of all, will they take pity on me? If they do, I do not care for it. I will accept help, but I won't accept help out of pity. That is straight up sad, and very pathetic.

But that's just my opinion. I am used to being the strong one in the group. People come to me, whether I like it or not, to confess, to talk, to seek counsel even if I am not qualified to give advice. The moment I open my heart and ears to them, I am being perceived as a strong individual. I have no problems. I don't have cracks. But I do, and there are many occasions where I find myself alone with no one to turn to for advice because I don't know what I want to hear, nor do I know what to expect. I want compassion. I want to be held. I want to have someone go out of their way for me to be by my side. But those are just crazy expectations because that's what I do for the people I love.

I then question their actions - would they do the same for me as to what I did for them?  

Am I being selfish?

I don't know what I'm doing. This school term has gone by in such a blur that I find myself struggling to meet deadlines, and expectations. The days seems to be unforgiving and time is showing no mercy whatsoever. I look at my books, and I feel dread. The only thing that keeps me going is the enthusiasm of my lecturers. When I'm reading my notes, I hear their voices narrating the text to me and I get a little motivated to complete them. Truth be told, I am scared of my team members. I don't want to disappoint them, but there is this overwhelming sense of disconnection from each other. One is driven as hell, the other two just wanna get by, and I am stuck in between. I have my days where all I want to do is lie in bed with a good book, and drift in and out of sleep. Other days, I want to watch trash tv and household chores. When it comes to assignments, I couldn't really give a fuck but I try. There is minimal effort but there is effort that goes into it. I just want to make sure that I do fairly well, and get through this whole ordeal called school. 

I want to love you so badly.
I want to say those words, and weep from sheer relief.
It's been building up inside for so long,
bursting at the seams.
Bleeding through every word I whisper to you.
I can't wait to see you,
Lace your fingers through mine,
and confess.

Here I am completely tired, and surviving only from a 2 hour nap. I am supposed to be working on a slide presentation for Thursday but I think I kind of owe it to myself to take a short break. I have to hand it to my team mate, she did a pretty awesome job for a night's worth of work and I am totally grateful for her efforts. I asked for information and she went the extra mile to edit and put them into slides for the group. She is a true gem. I am harboring a growing ache at the back of my throat, I think its an infection. I don't understand why I always tend to fall ill when Thursday is around the corner. I can't afford to take anymore days off work cos I really need the money for London and to pay off my bills. I have been truly reckless with my money in May, because I felt that I deserved to be a little carefree - just for that month. Now its back to reality, and a lot of lunches packed from home. I can live with that, plus I have healthier options at home. 

Its about time I put my health first. It has taken a back seat long enough.